what if i act like a boy..? --written by me at age 14 1\2 [exactly], my old journal is filled but this one REALLY stood out =\ ------

everyone loves a liar, especially when they are tellin you what you want to hear, at this point, yu can lie to me all you want, cuz like a nigga, im not in it for emotion, i jus want that one thing....boy o boy, little do yu kno, i have yu coiled ...& wrapped so tight around my waist, i don't neccesarily like you, it's just the physical feelings that are getting you through...you stare into my eyes, i can feel the intensity through yur finger tips as you grip on to the things that yu love to feel, you feel me physically, you feel me emotionally, but you dont feel my pain, you dont feel my lost, you dont feel my loneliness you just feel the thickness of my shape at such a young age. It sucks that you care and i dnt, it sucks that you love me but i wont. At this point in life, i act like a boy, is that wrng? i feen for yur body like a boy, is that wrng? these emotions i feel confuse me, but i dnt show you my puzzledness, i dont spill to you my feelings of truth of your soul like a boy, is that wrng? It might be, but i dnt care because nothing can fullfill and cure the pain that i have endured, the pain that has forced me to grow old so young. I idolize myself for the other "teens" , because inside i know i have jus turned 21. 21, for 21 sips of this vodka that i hav poured down my throat to forget all this pain. Somehow i kno years from now this pain will succeed and vanish away. Til then, i make you my 21st sip, i let you get use to looking and feeling on my shape, i let you fall in love with me, but i dnt let yu f*k, and i let u accept that loss for yur mankind because you say you  "care". yu think yu have me fooled, but yu dont. you are not the boy in this, i am. I rip this all away from you, like a boy. I let you see me move on, like a boy. I leave you not only speechless, yet clueless, like aboy. I leave you to suffer with a broken heart, like a boy. Cuz like a nigga, im not in it for emotion, i jus want that one thang, and thats to let you see a young girls pain, as a boy.....